The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
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I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?