What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
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My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them