[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
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running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]