A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
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Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
*updates tinder bio*
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.