i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
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[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?