me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
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My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.