I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
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Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”