I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
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What the hell is going on?
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die