I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
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my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”