“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
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[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
lol
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂