Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
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In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Meow
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.