[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
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i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?