I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
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[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no