doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
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I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
The news is so predictable nowadays
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing