If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
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I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not