Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
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‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
sensitive skin
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.