If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
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Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me