I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
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The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down