me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
You Might Also Like
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
ok hear me out: Luigiana
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”