You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
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So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”