A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
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[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.