If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
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Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last