“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
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Some of y’all tomorrow …
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
The struggle is real.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.