My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
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“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster