i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
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Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions