*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
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them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
nyc:
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.