I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
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Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
My safe word is Worcestershire
sigh
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.