Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
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Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Hmm, not sure about this change
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.