What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
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I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail