Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
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My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing