Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
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Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
584.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
…żyje?
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.