OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
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Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat