Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
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If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Teach your children to beatbox
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.