God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
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The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I never know how much to tip a cow.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*