her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
You Might Also Like
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.