Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
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The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
They did not think through this water fountain
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣