Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
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A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55