‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
You Might Also Like
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My favorite sport ? Lasagna