Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
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I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
😅😅😅
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot