Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
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8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]