My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
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[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
This is a whole mood;
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn