*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
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I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
See..?
.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I’m just playing devils avocado here