[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
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[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp