Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
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Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
me when i see my girls butt
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*