If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
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my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great