why no one uses midhusbands
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*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!