I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
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Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Just why bro?!
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!