ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
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Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
See..?
.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day