Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
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911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
thinking about a very short hotdog
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope