If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
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It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
where the womens at?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
who will stop them
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.